why am i so fucking stupid oh my god that was the biggest mistake of my life. its never going to be the same anymore. its all going to change. oh my god why did i do that. this is awful. i am unable to express the horridness of this situation. holy fuck i don’t know what to do and this is so meaningless i am going to die holy shit this is all terrible. I’m so angry with myself this is all bullshit. did it for all the wrong reasons. not even sad oh my god

I’m trapped in a senseless world.  Nearly all of our existence is spent learning about meaningless things; things I have no interest in whatsoever.  However I find myself conforming to the ways of our society every day of my life, by participating rigorously in my school work, and by studying endless hours for final exams.  What’s wrong with me, I ask?  My english teacher said I was the best student she’d ever taught, and she went as far as to recommend me to the most prestigious summer academy for writing in the United States.  And I turn it down.  What the fuck is wrong with me? And then accepted into a music conservatory for classes in guitar, piano, and voice.  And what, I turn that down too? For volleyball. I live to please my parents, and with my 300-page, stellar book by the end of the summer, I will free myself of all negativity, and enter a world I want to live in.  I am  tired of doing things I don’t think are important.  Simply put, I just want to matter.